Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
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If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever