I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
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Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.