As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
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Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Remember folks 😂
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
everyone has that one prude friend
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.