Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
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[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.