Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
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I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
All excellent questions
[adds another nod to the conversation]
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*