My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
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I need to get some bricks…
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
They did not think through this water fountain
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house