A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
You Might Also Like
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
A leaf blower, but for people.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.