“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
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Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room