Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
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Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please