What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
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The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”