(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
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Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books