I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
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Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ