God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
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wait.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.