Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
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Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back