Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
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[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”