The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
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Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
How your email finds me
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.