*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
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Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”