You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
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I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
A small tragedy.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method