I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
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sleeping beauty
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
These are my roll models.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED