Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
You Might Also Like
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.