I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
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Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.