I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
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[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.