Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
You Might Also Like
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
The struggle is real.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.