Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
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Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
this is the news I live for
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER