Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
You Might Also Like
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?