Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
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My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man