my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
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Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Denise please return my vape pen
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using