Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
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Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0