Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
You Might Also Like
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
a badder mouse
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there