If you love someone, let them tweet.
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I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers