My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Me trying to reach for my goals
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”