I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
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Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i