[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
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Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too