Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
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Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Love thy neighbor’s dog
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!