Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
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Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣