I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
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February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Just as the prophecy foretold
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Battery falling down a hole