If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
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me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.