ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
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I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Good morning y’all ☀️
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
<—- homeless romantic
classic mixup
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.