I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
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tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course