He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
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I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together