Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
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[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.