This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute