Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
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IT’S-A ME,
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Spider-cat: No One Home
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.