(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
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my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
August 8
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER