Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
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me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
this post was so formative to me
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.