If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
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Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?