Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
You Might Also Like
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
subtitles are so good nowadays
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket