My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
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I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
My dad.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
*watches the world burn*
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon