Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
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Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are