I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
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Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.